Feeling like a normal pregnant person

Monday February 20th we had a ton of good new. 1) My blood pressure was awesome. 2) We're having a baby boy!!!! and 3) NO MORE CLOT OR BLOOD!!! I'm so happy and relieved. I finally feel like a normal pregnant person! I'm so grateful to God to be in this place. I can't wait to meet this baby. I've had so many emotions through all this and to be here is amazing. I felt a little crazy for awhile. I'm sure part of it was coming off the twin hormones but living in fear of the unknown is a very hard thing to go through. I still don't like the unknown of not being able to see the baby in there but that's something I went through with ALL my pregnancy's even my first two kids. I LOVE being pregnant but also feel so much relief once they're out. :)
I'm only 17 weeks and am feeling the aches and pains already. I think it's my age. The other day one of my butt cheeks and upper leg was numb from sitting on the floor. Took awhile to go away too. **sigh** I'm so thankful for these aches and pains just wondering what I have in store for me as I get bigger and down the road. :P

Here's a profile of my little man... isn't he handsome? ;)

From Chaos to Peace

So I haven't blogged in awhile. Forever in pregnancy world. :P Almost 2 weeks.
The last two weeks have been pretty good actually. All spotting has stopped and I feel so much more at peace. I also don't feel like my body is about to fall apart on me. I'm sure that it was mostly mental but a lot has been going on inside there these last couple months. I've also stopped having my panic attacks at night (thanks for the prayers on that). I still wake up all night but mostly for peeing, and sometimes probably from a dream, but for the most part I don't feel a weight and dread at night I use to have.
I really think I figured out what happened in the last pregnancy's and this one. I believe I have an area in my uterus that has scar tissue or a "bad spot" on it and it's where the babies like to implant. I've also heard that babies tend to find the same spot in there each pregnancy. So because there were twins this time the baby still with us couldn't implant on that spot therefore saving it's life. I know God had a hand in this and it's His way of giving me the baby I have wanted but it's still hard to give up the baby we lost. It's hard to give them all up. But I'm grateful for the baby I have now and I TRULY believe I well get to see this one join our family this time.
I still have my moments of fear and "what if's" but I'm working hard at keeping them away.
I am kinda shocked and surprised at how much my mind and mood has changed in just a few days. There's peace here right now when before it felt like such chaos in my head. I'm thankful for now and just pray it continues.

Letting go of the dream

So the whole week after I found out I had lost one of the twins was rough. When I grieve I tend to check out and not take care of myself. I can't do that this time because I still have a sweet baby depending on me NOT to do that. I did however have a hard time letting go of the dream of two. I so wanted to watch them grow up together, see the special bond between them, always having each other.... BUT I also know how hard it would have been on my body to carry two. After years of high blood pressure and that taking a toll on me. I'm battling it right now and it goes UP later in pregnancy. I know everything happens for a good reason and God works all things out for good. It's just hard as a mom to let go of another one and another "dream" of what it would be like.
As my week went on my feelings of dread changed to hope and... dare I say it... a little excitement over this all working out and coming true. That seems to be the story of my life right now...up and down...up and down... I hope this up continues.
Today I had an appointment. I am 14 weeks and I got to hear the heartbeat. I'm so thankful to God to be this far along. Each day is a blessing. I really look forward to the 20th when I get to see the baby again and hopefully see that the clot it gone or shrinking at least.
Also thank you all so much for your kind words and prayers. It really does mean a TON to me and that's why I share so much with you all. Knowing so many are lifting me up in prayer is SO comforting and SO helpful right now. I do have something specific I'd like prayers for though. When life gets stressful (like now) I have panic attacks at night. I just get startled awake at night thinking something is wrong. Makes sleeping not very restful as I can have 3 or more a night. So prayers for peaceful, restful sleep right now would be so nice. :) Thanks all!!!