The Lord giveth.........

Been way too long.

After my last post I went in for a 18 week appointment and at this appointment we found out baby A didn't have a heart beat anymore. He/she was measuring 15 weeks 5 days. Of course all the "what could I have done differently?" start popping into your mind. But baby B looked good. I had lost the twin dream again. I was very thankful for the little guy I had with me, yes it was another little boy, but I grieved even as I rejoiced. It's a hard place for your mind to be in. I was just pushing it away every time I felt the sadness and anger coming at me. I couldn't feel that way. I had a wonderful little life in my body. I had to give him all the love I had in me, right then, in that moment. I am only human and for all my big words, when you're in the mist of your pain and trial, all you can do is try and keep your head above the water. And praying you come out of it a better person and that your thoughts during it hadn't turned too dark for too long.

When they did the ultrasound a day or two after I found out about baby A she asked me if I wanted to know the sex of the surviving twin. Now I've been to enough ultrasounds to know what I was looking at on the screen, and when she asked I said "it's a boy, right?" "do you want to know?" I knew it was a boy but of course say "yes" and she informs me it's a boy. LOL I know what a penis looks like, even on ultrasound. ;)
I had a name pop into my head. It was a name we had talked about in the past and vetoed. I don't know why it popped into my head. I decided to go home and look up the name. I had only shared the name with a few people during the pregnancy. More at the end. I was so afraid I wasn't in fact being shown by God he'd be ok. But now that he is here I know God was speaking to me. Simon. Meaning He has heard or He hears. In my heart I believe God was letting me know that all the prayers over the past 2 years were going to be answered. 

I'd like to say after that it was smooth sailing for me for the rest of the pregnancy but I have to say it wasn't. Physically it was my best pregnancy. I felt great. Mentally I was struggling. I was trying so hard to have faith. But so many lost babies made it hard. Didn't help that he ended up being late. :P
I had 2 due dates. One was May 15th and one was the 20th. He decided to come one the 26th. I was so afraid, so anxious. I just wanted him out. I just wanted him safe.

After I lost the other twin I decided to go with JUST Betty and try for a home birth. I am sooo thankful I did. It was an amazing birth and I know if I was in a hospital it would have gone so much more differently. In a bad way. My labor kept stopping and going. His heartbeat was fine the whole time so my wonderfully experienced midwife wasn't stressed about it. If I was in a hospital I know they'd be putting me on pitocin. When my water finally broke I closed to a 6 but his head wanted to come out. She got me to a 10 as fast as she could. She was amazing and I can't thank her enough for taking me on when I was so "high risk" and no other midwife would have. But this is why I know God was with me through it all. It wasn't easy but He was there.
Now I look at my beautiful son and thank God for him every single day. I wish I could have 10 more of him. This has taught me trust in God. Trust in myself. Knowing that these babies aren't mine but are His. He wills whether I get them or not. 

Thank you God for letting me take care of this little boy.
Thank you for blessing me with him and the two other children I always took for granted and never really saw them for the miracles that they are.
Thank you God for letting me see Your hands in my life in such an obvious way.
Thank you Lord for taking me over my mountain. My Everest.

I miss my babies every day. I always will....
But through His grace I have enough.
I can't stop marveling at his hands,

 his toes, 

his beautiful eyes...

Thank you God for this journey.
And by helping me get through it all....
With baby steps.

 

Shocked....again!!!

So yesterday I asked Betty (midwife) to come by and check for a heart beat. I couldn't find a baby sitter for the kids and I wanted to know if I could take them to my appointment today. Well I'm 11 weeks and there was a chance she wouldn't be able to find it. And she couldn't.... 
Normally it wouldn't be a big deal really but because of my past I was of course a little stressed after she left. Doug wasn't going to make the appointment (at 3:30) due to a training he was in, and couldn't get out of, but after this he talked to them and was able to get out at 2pm instead of the normal 4pm. And Samantha was so sure the baby was okay... so we decided, because it was so odd that all our friends had plans, that it was Gods will they go with us.
This morning I studied and meditated and came to a place of peace. I didn't want to have fear. I want to have hope. I want to have faith. After so many losses it's hard to hold on to those things.
I have a doppler I got last pregnancy. I didn't want to use it this pregnancy if I could help it. but I felt the need to check just one time before the appointment. And I found a heart beat!!! I was so happy and relieved. But I wasn't 100% sure. 
So get to the appointment and meet the midwife. We talk about my history. She examines me. And then does an internal ultrasound. I know Doug is nervous. 
And then.......

I know it's hard to tell with that picture but there are two there....
TWO!!!
Twins AGAIN!!!
I wasn't as shocked as she thought I should be. I had a feeling in the beginning but thought I was just projecting the last babies onto this pregnancy so I pushed it out of my mind. 
I fully blame Spencer. After the last babies he has been praying ALL THE TIME for... "twin, triplins, singleton, doesn't matter to us". LOL it was so cute but now I'm so thankful there wasn't triplins in there. LOL
Like I said, working hard on my faith and hope. My human nature doesn't want to be hurt again but that's not the right attitude. 
Something I read today in my studies....

I'm trying......

Trials and Blessings

So much has happened since I last posted. I'm still taking baby steps, that hasn't changed.

Since losing the babies I decided, after an incident involving pizza and an upset tummy, to go off gluten again.... for good. After much talk with friends and looking around on the internet I have come to truly believe gluten had a large hand in all my losses. My body doesn't show obvious signs, but enough I know it's hurting when I eat it.

I found out in late August Doug and I were going to have to take dad under our care. Right before this we got a wonderful anniversary trip in. First time getting away since Samantha being born. It was just overnight but it was wonderful. A trip to Newport.

When we got home it was back to reality. Dad came to live with us but I was blessed to find an assisted living place to take him for a free week. He ended up staying there for about a week and a half with me scrambling to figure out how to get him somewhere else and learning all about the level of care he needed (which was high) and how to do it all for him. I was running over to west Salem every day and all over town. Most days I wasn't eating for half the day. Since going gluten free it's not easy to just stop and get something to eat. I wasn't good at planning and figuring out what snacks to bring with me, shopping was even hard at this point. :P In one week I lost almost 10 pounds. Stress loss...but doesn't last.... LOL
When dad's time was up at this place I had no choice but to take him home with me. I took him home Thursday and by Friday I was taking him to the ER. He was getting weak quickly and coughing. He was in the hospital for a week. Turns out he had congestive heart failure. They got him fixed up as much as possible and handed him over to me again. This whole time I was stressing out and trying to find him somewhere to live. I knew it was too much work to have him with us. Now don't get me wrong... I love my dad and if it was just me I could do it, but it was taking SO much time away from the kids and Doug. The school year had just started, we virtual school and started behind due to the past losses and a busy summer where I couldn't seem to find the time to catch up. So we also started the NEW school year falling behind too because it was so hard handling all this and doing enough school every day.
Every day seemed to have blessings but also set backs. So many ups and downs.
I was trying so hard to show him the respect he needed and deserved but it was so hard having this man in my house that wasn't like my father anymore and didn't really want my help. As much as I wanted to serve him it is very draining to take care of a loved one when they are annoyed and bothered by the care and concern you're trying to show them.
This was such a humbling experience and harder even than moms death, believe it or not. I never thought that would be the case. Mentally and physically exhausting. I surely was taking baby steps to get me through each day. I had to take each day as it came. Some days brought promises of answers and some days were complete losses and completely crushing.

Everything came together on the last possible day before the Feast of Tabernacles. Everyone said we would go but I knew it was possible we wouldn't. I also knew God's hand was with us and He loves us and however it worked it would be for our good. But the last possible day? Really? LOL 
Medicaid kicked in and I found a place all on Friday. We had to leave Sunday. Wow....
Feast wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. Having to go go go all month and rushing to Feast made me (and probably the whole family) go into it pretty mentally exhausted...and maybe a little physically too. But it was such a blessing and a joy to just be there at all. :)

So the point of starting to post again... Life is crazy....
In the middle of this whole thing with dad. I found out.... we're expecting again!!!! :) (9 weeks today)
How crazy! To add to all the craziness I was going through!!! Guessing I was Ov'ing too close to our anniversary get away... and ooops.... LOL  Was not planning this. We were natural family planning. When you do it that way we all know God is in charge, which is exactly the way I wanted it.
I am completely (at least as completely as a flawed human can be) at peace over this pregnancy. If this baby dies I well be so sad but this baby isn't mine. It is Gods creation and if anyone can protect this little one it's Him. I'm hopeful being gluten free is the answer. I feel wonderful and my blood pressure is better, I'm not so tired all the time, and there are small things I can feel in my body that just feel better.
 I could go on and on and I'm sure I well on this blog. It's so hard to get all my thoughts into words. But I'll try, I think it's too important, the insight I've gotten and the faith that has been built is AMAZING and all I want to do is share! LOL
God is amazing and only wants the best for us. When we're in pain, in a trial, it's so hard to see that but we have to take the good from the pain of a trial and grow from it. Sometimes we have to wait for the trial to be over to see the lessons from it. But whatever you do don't let bitterness and pain grow and fester in you. That is only of Satan and won't help you or anyone around you long term. This life is fleeting and we have to hold on to every possible lesson He might have in store for us. Every growth opportunity given to us.... and sometimes they are so hard. My life has had a lot of downs lately but I feel so up right now (how is that even possible?). Mainly because I have opened my mind and my heart to learn from this stuff that has been happening. I well never throw up my hands and give up (and believe me there were days when I was tempted). I well continue to lay my burdens at His feet.
 Patience is a HUGE lesson. I have been trying to grow in this one. It's hard, but everything in His time. As someone said 'He is seldom early but never late'. 
I am reminded of Sarah and Rachel lately too. They tried to write their own stories, when God was "late" in their opinions, and look at the messes they made. I don't want to write my story. I want God to write my story. I feel safer in His hands than my own.

I don't know where the road well lead this time but I'm excited to learn and grow from it, whatever the end of my story is. 
                                           

 Where He leads, I'll follow....

HE is the potter, we are the clay

(Let me start by saying I had my post-op and my OB said he wasn't surprised I lost (sad of course) because twin pregnancy's are so high risk, more so then people realize. But once again, bottom line, no way of knowing why it happened.)

What a roller coaster ride this has all been for me. So much growth. So much to meditate, think and pray on.
As you can see from my previous posts, I was lost. I didn't know what to think. I was afraid of the Passover season and taking it in the wrong frame of mind. But God walks with me through everything. I'll be honest, I didn't feel that for a short time after this loss. But so much insight, so much knowledge poured in on me. I have no fear anymore. I cried because I felt a lone and unloved by Him and because I thought this meant this dream was all over for me. But I know now this life is a journey and we have to take the good and bad moments that it gives us and work with what we're given. Trying to grow with each thing. I have no fear anymore because I put this all into His hands.
I tried so hard to control this last pregnancy. But you can't control things like this. Not even the doctors can.
"We just don't know"...
Oh how many how many times I heard that. My OB told me at my post-op "we're just watching until about 25 weeks, there's nothing we can do up until that point". And that got me thinking... Wow... Humans think they have it all figured out, but there are some things that God says "NO! You can not touch this". We are HIS creation. There are some things we can't touch.
Isa. 64:8 But now, O LORD, thou art our Father; we are the clay, and Thou our potter; and we all are the work of Thy hand.
Who are we to try and control His work?!

I am still a believer that we take what God gives us. God well not give me more then I can take. I trust that completely. If I said right now I'm done and we're not having anymore kids, a lot of people would understand, even agree. But I would be making that decision based on MY knowledge and not HIS. Who am I to know? God wants only good for me. I know my babies aren't in pain. If I walk this earth in anger over losing them I hurt myself and those around me only, doesn't bring them back. There is no lesson and growth in that. I believe that's where His mercy and love lay in this. The growth, understanding and lessons in letting go of my need to control has been amazing.
I'm going to give my body time to rest and heal, more time then any of the times before. But after that I'm putting it all into His hands. If I never get pregnant again... His will. If I get pregnant and lose the baby... His will (and I'll look forward to new lessons that come with it). And if I get pregnant and have a healthy baby, once again...His will...
I know now that He's walking along beside me and isn't going to let me fall. Each trial is a moment in time and how we handle the trial is the real test, not the trial itself. Trials come and go, but our frame of mind shapes who we are. I want my frame of mind to be "God centered" and we're working on that in this house. I'm putting my house in order (or trying to) and I'm putting the rest of it into His hands. I trust His hands.
I may have ups and downs but I know even when I'm at my lowest and everyone is trying to lift me up, and I'm tired of having people watch me fall, I'll be okay. I'll be better then okay.... I'll be growing... maybe it'll be small baby steps. But I'm okay with that..... :)

Gone too soon...

A good song for pregnancy loss. Not a lot out there.

Names

Thanks to my sister I have a name for all my babies. She wrote me a wonderful card and is a wonderful sister. Don't know what I'd do without her.
I felt bad not naming my other two but I didn't know if they were a boy or a girl and I'm already horrible with names.
First I lost Charles Avery March 15th 2011
Then Babie Beloved Sept 12th 2011
Baby Cherished date unknown but sometime in Jan? 2012
And Andrew Avery March 13th 2012
"I want you all to know you were all loved very much and very much wanted. Every single one of you. None more then another. My empty arms ache to hold each and every one of you and I look forward to the day I get to. I'm sorry mommy couldn't protect you and keep you safe. You'll all be in my thoughts until the day I see you."

I'm feeling the anger today. Sad thing about grief is that these things tend to be taken out on the ones around you so I've locked myself in the bedroom or I'll just regret not doing it.
I wanted to be productive today. I've been feeling a strong need to do more around here since it's happened but after being up most of the night with a sick kid I need a nap. My emotions are too much right now... sooo tired....

Lost again.......

Feeling so raw right now. I probably shouldn't even be writing right now as I'm sure my feelings well change.

Said goodbye to Andrew Avery Stewart Tuesday. He was really gone at 16 weeks, shortly after my last ultrasound. Today is the day I lost Charles, my first loss. I guess everything has come full circle. All the losses came before the Holy Days. How am I going to be able to prepare for Passover now? I feel so lost. Does God even love me? I know He does of course but right now it's hard to see through the tears. After the first loss I told myself the loss was small, others have been through so much worse, second loss same thing.... this one is harder. It looked like it was Gods will it was going to happen and He'd give me this one. Everything lined up for it to be so. I started feeling dread a couple weeks ago. Probably around the time he died. I was feeling great before that. I knew in my heart but my head wasn't willing to see. Until the day before. I was so nervous for the next day. I even closed my eyes at the beginning of the ultrasound. I finally asked if the baby was okay and she said "no, I don't think so". I knew it...

I know others have gone through so much more. I know I'll recover. I guess I just don't understand why God didn't give me this one. Children are a blessing. I know I have two wonderful ones and I'll put all my heart into them... I just wanted more wonderful blessings in my life. I won't write more. I need to be pouring my heart out to God and not a blog but I needed to say a little. Like I said I'm sure I'll be strong tomorrow or the day after but right now I'm weak. I feel Satan at my door.... trying to bring me down. Tired... so tired again...