Feeling like a normal pregnant person

Monday February 20th we had a ton of good new. 1) My blood pressure was awesome. 2) We're having a baby boy!!!! and 3) NO MORE CLOT OR BLOOD!!! I'm so happy and relieved. I finally feel like a normal pregnant person! I'm so grateful to God to be in this place. I can't wait to meet this baby. I've had so many emotions through all this and to be here is amazing. I felt a little crazy for awhile. I'm sure part of it was coming off the twin hormones but living in fear of the unknown is a very hard thing to go through. I still don't like the unknown of not being able to see the baby in there but that's something I went through with ALL my pregnancy's even my first two kids. I LOVE being pregnant but also feel so much relief once they're out. :)
I'm only 17 weeks and am feeling the aches and pains already. I think it's my age. The other day one of my butt cheeks and upper leg was numb from sitting on the floor. Took awhile to go away too. **sigh** I'm so thankful for these aches and pains just wondering what I have in store for me as I get bigger and down the road. :P

Here's a profile of my little man... isn't he handsome? ;)

From Chaos to Peace

So I haven't blogged in awhile. Forever in pregnancy world. :P Almost 2 weeks.
The last two weeks have been pretty good actually. All spotting has stopped and I feel so much more at peace. I also don't feel like my body is about to fall apart on me. I'm sure that it was mostly mental but a lot has been going on inside there these last couple months. I've also stopped having my panic attacks at night (thanks for the prayers on that). I still wake up all night but mostly for peeing, and sometimes probably from a dream, but for the most part I don't feel a weight and dread at night I use to have.
I really think I figured out what happened in the last pregnancy's and this one. I believe I have an area in my uterus that has scar tissue or a "bad spot" on it and it's where the babies like to implant. I've also heard that babies tend to find the same spot in there each pregnancy. So because there were twins this time the baby still with us couldn't implant on that spot therefore saving it's life. I know God had a hand in this and it's His way of giving me the baby I have wanted but it's still hard to give up the baby we lost. It's hard to give them all up. But I'm grateful for the baby I have now and I TRULY believe I well get to see this one join our family this time.
I still have my moments of fear and "what if's" but I'm working hard at keeping them away.
I am kinda shocked and surprised at how much my mind and mood has changed in just a few days. There's peace here right now when before it felt like such chaos in my head. I'm thankful for now and just pray it continues.

Letting go of the dream

So the whole week after I found out I had lost one of the twins was rough. When I grieve I tend to check out and not take care of myself. I can't do that this time because I still have a sweet baby depending on me NOT to do that. I did however have a hard time letting go of the dream of two. I so wanted to watch them grow up together, see the special bond between them, always having each other.... BUT I also know how hard it would have been on my body to carry two. After years of high blood pressure and that taking a toll on me. I'm battling it right now and it goes UP later in pregnancy. I know everything happens for a good reason and God works all things out for good. It's just hard as a mom to let go of another one and another "dream" of what it would be like.
As my week went on my feelings of dread changed to hope and... dare I say it... a little excitement over this all working out and coming true. That seems to be the story of my life right now...up and down...up and down... I hope this up continues.
Today I had an appointment. I am 14 weeks and I got to hear the heartbeat. I'm so thankful to God to be this far along. Each day is a blessing. I really look forward to the 20th when I get to see the baby again and hopefully see that the clot it gone or shrinking at least.
Also thank you all so much for your kind words and prayers. It really does mean a TON to me and that's why I share so much with you all. Knowing so many are lifting me up in prayer is SO comforting and SO helpful right now. I do have something specific I'd like prayers for though. When life gets stressful (like now) I have panic attacks at night. I just get startled awake at night thinking something is wrong. Makes sleeping not very restful as I can have 3 or more a night. So prayers for peaceful, restful sleep right now would be so nice. :) Thanks all!!!

Bittersweet

Today we had our appointment with the high risk Dr and another ultra sound. We started with the ultra sound. One baby looking great at 12 weeks 5 days and the other passed away at around 10 weeks. I have a clot in there about 7cm and it's under the baby that died so it's looking like it might be coming from that baby. I'm SO sad but hopeful baby that's still here is going to be okay. We kind of feel baby B (the one that passed away) was protecting baby A (the one still here) from the damaged area in my womb. I took the news well at the time but tonight I'm having a harder time. I'm strong. But I'm tired. I still have hope. But I'm tired. I am going to pray for more strength. I need it. I'm tired.

More then ever I need to take baby steps to get through this and move on....
Baby steps Merry.... baby steps.

It'll be okay....

Mountain Moving Faith

Mark 11:12-14, 20-24

Heard it in a sermon, and it hit me in the gut. I've been lacking so much faith through this thing. Only thinking of what has happened in the past and wondering what's to stop it from happening a third time. Guess what?.... God is what's going to stop it from happening a third time. Only question is do I have enough faith to move this mountain.
So much doubt and fear creeping in my mind every day, and I know who loves doubt and fear. I feel like I'm battling him every single day. Some days are better then others. I'm trying to have more good days then bad, but it's hard. And having twins in there I think it actually making it harder. "Are they both okay? Is one okay and not the other?" I know it's hard for Doug to hear my doubt but he doesn't have them in him 24/7 and wonder what every gas pain and tightening is. He's been doing so great though but I can see the stress of all this getting to him too, along with all life's other stresses that are always here too. I've been bleeding brown blood all week. Not a ton and the fact that it is brown is the only thing keeping me sane. Old blood. I keep repeating in my head "God has healed the wound and is pushing out all the bad, old blood from the past" I know it's a way for the doubt to keep turning up every day but I just keep thinking "it's okay, we're going to get there".
Appointment on Friday. Nervous but keeping the faith. Praying that God can help me turn my faith so I'm not just saying it over and over in my head but feeling it in my heart too.

Taking baby steps through this week. Focusing on family.

Here we go

So I've almost hit 10 weeks. Should I make time speed up or slow down? I'm a nervous wreck.

I guess I need to do an update. The day I went to the ER I had a subchorionic bleed. Not anything with the placenta like the ER Dr said. I had this with my last pregnancy around 9 weeks too. The baby was fine after I had it just like this time. This time though I put myself on bed rest. I've read SO much on subchorionic bleeds it's crazy. It can either go away or become a problem. Of course I'm hoping and praying it goes away. I started freaking out after my appointment Friday (which went fine fyi) because I realized I should have taken the progesterone like the geneticist told me I should. It may help with the development of the placenta and I don't remember being told that even though Doug told me I was told that. :/ (PG brain) My Dr and I talked about it at week 5 and we decided not to do it, wish I would have. The babies have died around the time the placenta takes over so I was of course wondering if it has to do with the placenta. So I called first thing this morning and was like " I WANT IT!" In a nice way of course. :-P I want to know I did all I could. I of course had to leave a message and was SHOCKED when my DOCTOR called me back, it's always a nurse. LOL Needless to say I'm going out today to get me some progesterone. I'm so excited... I just hope it's not too late to take it.... 2 weeks... 2 short weeks. I am going to go to a high risk Dr too. Just waiting for the call for an appointment.

I'm trying to stay upbeat but so many thoughts go through your head when your laying in bed trying to sleep. If they start to get dark I try and imagine holding my TWO babies right after they're born. God please let that be my future.

Life is full of ups and downs

So I left off being in shock over the twins. I have to get caught up or I'll be playing catch up forever.
12/15/11 So I'm in shock. I can't wait to tell Doug. So many feelings running through my mind. Some good, some bad. But more then anything...shocked... as I'm driving to Doug's work I just keep bursting out laughing. I can't believe it.... I call him to tell him I think he should just get off, it's half and hour till he's off anyway and I can't imagine him going back after I tell him, plus like I said, he works for the state... no big deal. LOL When I was talking to him on the phone I tried to stay calm but he asked me if I was laughing... then he asked if I was crying... I just said, "just get off, okay?"
He comes down with the kids and I get out of the car and show him the picture. I don't know if he gets it, to be honest I can't even remember, but I know I say..."twins" and he says "twins?! Really?!". Now we're both in shock. LOL This is also the time the kids find out I'm pregnant too. So big surprises all around.
12/17/11 That Saturday I decide to tell people at church. I was going to keep it quiet for awhile but I now felt I needed the prayers more then ever. It's hard because I don't want to feel like the person always asking for prayers but I don't think I've ever felt I needed them more then now. I've lost two babies but the thought of losing two at once and knowing something is probably wrong with MY body to cause it to happen has been the scariest thing I've ever gone through.
12/23/11 The next week is North West Weekend. I share with more people and everyone is so excited for me. I start to feel like, "what if I let everyone down? and telling them is for nothing". So many bad thoughts can run through a persons mind that has been through a loss. Something I would have NEVER known unless I had gone through it too. Not saying I'm happy I went through it but at least I've learned from the pain of it all. Isn't that what life is? Learning from the blessings and the tears.
Saturday night after two busy days I started spotting. I freaked out. I started shaking. I know spotting is something that can happen but it was a little more then I wanted to see. I pray so hard that night. By morning it is turning brown. The magic color if you've ever been through spotting. LOL So when I get home I call the advice nurse, but knowing that it has stopped, I knew there wasn't much they could say. I just wanted them to know it happened more then anything.
For the next week I am filled with dread and in a huge funk. It's so hard not knowing what's going on in there... it really is.
12/30/11 The Friday night after that I bled a little again. I decide to stay home from church on Saturday even though it has stopped again. Just to take it easy, plus I had a cough. I started feeling a little more up towards the end of the weekend. Doug was off on Monday because of new years so we were watching the Rose Bowl on the computer when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, I gush blood. I'm laying on my side, no warning, no cramping. I go in the bathroom. The gush looked a little watered down but I start to have bright red blood. I tell him... "I want to go to the ER." I know if I'm having a miscarriage there is nothing that can be done but at that point I just NEEDED to know what was going on. The not knowing was killing me. Took the kids to our friends, head to the ER. Whole way there I'm thinking it's over again. I feel the anger and hopelessness rising but I never stop praying. Hope I never have to feel that way again. Doug gets me a wheelchair when we get there because I'm afraid of gushing if I walk. I remember my last trip to the ER and how much blood I was losing. When I'm talking to the nurse at the window I feel another gush. There are a lot of people there but I get taken back right away. They take my vitals then I wait for a room. They take me back to a room. When the Dr comes (everything is done so slow in the ER which I find weird since it's the ER) he gets the small ultra sound machine. Looks and sees the first baby and see's a heartbeat (he thinks) but has a hard time seeing baby B because it's back is to us. So he orders a bigger ultra sound for us. I get some other things done but like I said, everything is like an hour until the next thing is done. At the big ultra sound she finds both their heartbeats and they are around 150 and 160. So I was soooo happy. Didn't really think that's what I'd hear. After he checked my cervix, which was closed we go home. He couldn't say why the bleeding but he thought maybe the placenta over the cervix. The next day when I talk to a advice nurse she said it sounds more like a subchorionic bleed and after having one of those in my last pregnancy and reading about it online I'm leaning towards thinking that too. I have my regular appointment Friday so I'll try and get more answers then. I might even try to get another ultra sound since they didn't see anything on the ER visit but I don't know if she was looking for it. So that was Monday, this is Wednesday, I'm still bleeding and trying to stay in bed most of the time. Subchorionic bleeds can heal so I'm GOING to take it easy.
So we're up to date. Didn't think I'd do that tonight. So many emotions I go through each day and week. But I'm trying to learn to take baby steps for each day. It's very hard for me. I like to storm ahead. Sometimes you can't though and you have to take each day as it comes...