The Beginning

Here's my story.
I'm the mother of two very bright, smart children. Samantha was my first and Spencer came two years later. We had a boy and a girl. Why have more? My husband only has a brother so it wasn't out of the question for him, but to me I felt like someone was missing from our family. I, after all had 4 siblings, the more the merrier, right? About a year ago we decided we wanted more. Samantha is 7 and Spencer is 5. Where did the time go?!
Last year, around this time, I got pregnant. We were of course excited but nervous since it had been so long since there had been a baby in the house. I don't know why but I took my sweet time getting prenatal care. Maybe I was lazy but I think it was more that I wanted to have a midwife and I knew my insurance wouldn't cover one. Finally I had the midwife check me at 15ish weeks. She couldn't find a heart beat but didn't seem like it was that big a deal. But said I should get checked and use my insurance. A couple days later March 15th I was standing in the kitchen getting my husband's lunch ready for him to take to work and I started bleeding, a lot. We got friends to take the kids and rushed to the ER. Long story short I lost my little boy that day. He was 12 weeks old or there about. I gave birth to him but chose not to see him. I knew it would make it harder and I'd have that image in my head for the rest of my life. Later of course I wonder if it was a mistake but you can't take something like that back and I am now at peace over it.
We moved on and I was at peace with it more then I thought I would be. I know prayers from so many friends and family helped so much. A couple months later I was pregnant again. I got in the 3 periods they say you should have so we were happy. In August I had an ultrasound at 9 weeks. Everything looked normal. My daughter and I went to summer camp a couple days later. After doing a small amount of running I started bleeding but not cramping. I'm SO thankful the midwife I know was a nurse there. She couldn't do anything but having her there was so comforting. I sat for the rest of the day and after awhile the bleeding stopped. When I got home I had another ultrasound and the baby was once again okay. They said it was a subchorionic bleed. About a week after that the mid wife came to my house to reassure me and look for a heart beat. Once again she couldn't find one. By the time I had my appointment at 14 weeks the baby was once again gone. I was so sure the baby wouldn't die that I brought my kids to the appointment and they were there seeing the baby and there not being a heartbeat. Sam came over and put her hand on my shoulder because she knew something wasn't okay. My sweet girl. How sad I am that they had to be there for that.
This time I couldn't stand the thought of going through another "birth" so I wanted a D&C. The baby had died again at 12 weeks (something that of course freaks me out, why?) and since it was 14 weeks now I was trying to get an appointment as soon as possible. Nothing was soon where I live so I went to a bigger city. The night before it was to be done I started bleeding. I was SO scared of having to rush to the ER again, and in the middle of the night, with 2 little kids. I didn't sleep most of the night checking every hour and praying all night. I made it through the night, with Gods grace, and was able to have the D&C. Since they knock you out for a D&C now, it made it easier, as in.... I could almost pretend it didn't happen.... again. The two losses almost seem like one to me. Making me feel a little heartless but it is what it is.
After this loss I got to have some testing due to the 12 week thing. The tests were still out and it was almost 2 months later. I find out I'm pregnant again. TEST'S ARE STILL OUT! I am freaking out! This is not ok!

Take baby steps, Merry.... baby steps....