Overwhelming Surprise

So I was very scared and concerned when I found out that I was pregnant a 3rd time in a year. Not planning for it to happen AT ALL. I had gone to a geneticist and she was running some blood tests on me that still hadn't come back from the lab.
Finally she called me a couple days after I found out I was pregnant and told me everything came back normal. I was relieved but also I little sad because I wanted something I could fix. Back to the not knowing why is always scary.
I would now like to take a moment and thank all my friends and family who have been with me and prayed for me through this drama filled year. It has been the longest year of my life.
Back to the story. I was worried so when I called the OBGYN I told them I wanted to see a dr. now and talk about my fears. I was only about 5 weeks and I realize they don't normally see you until 8ish but I needed to have a plan for my peace of mind.
Right before my appointment I stared spotting. I was having a bunch of friends over for dinner that night, after my appointment, so I was a little stressed about the bleeding, being that I couldn't really "take it easy". At least that's what I thought to myself. I went to the appointment and he told us... well not much really.... He of course had no answers, as there are none with things like this, and told us the others were probably random. How could they be?! I still can't get out of my mind that they were both 12 weeks old! That is just so odd to me! I told him about the spotting and he said to have my HCG levels checked (that's the pregnancy hormone that rises when you get pregnant for those that don't know) and to come back and have blood drawn on Monday (3 days later) and they should have doubled by then if everything is okay. Doug went away from it feeling better. I went away from it still feeling stressed and like everything is out of my control, I don't like things being out of my control.

When my blood test for HCG came back it looked normal. I played phone tag for the first part of the week with nurses trying to tell me it was normal and trying to get me in for an ultrasound. I got a call from them on Thursday (I was actually there to answer this one) and they tell me they can fit me in that day at 2:30. Not wanting to miss the chance I call Doug and see if he can watch the kids at work for me (what can I say? he works for the state). He says yes so off I go with a full bladder. I've had the ultrasound guy a couple times. He was the one that did my ultrasound telling me the last baby was gone. He's VERY quiet and doesn't like to share a lot of info. Nice enough though. After a potty break and a lot more measuring he's near the end when I think I see something odd up there. Looks to me like there is two sacks. This is at the end mind you. And I say "Do I see two up there?" His response? "that's what I see".... WHAT?!?!?! I NEVER thought that was a possibility. Probably why it took me so long to catch on. He measured TWO babies and I didn't even notice. I thought he was just doing it twice. LOL TWO BABIES!!!! Just breath Merry.... How is this happening? I was, to put it mildly...shocked. Could I be blessed this much? Could God really be this merciful to me? I can't do this to TWO babies if this happens again! LORD please help me!

Take baby steps, Merry.... baby steps....

The Beginning

Here's my story.
I'm the mother of two very bright, smart children. Samantha was my first and Spencer came two years later. We had a boy and a girl. Why have more? My husband only has a brother so it wasn't out of the question for him, but to me I felt like someone was missing from our family. I, after all had 4 siblings, the more the merrier, right? About a year ago we decided we wanted more. Samantha is 7 and Spencer is 5. Where did the time go?!
Last year, around this time, I got pregnant. We were of course excited but nervous since it had been so long since there had been a baby in the house. I don't know why but I took my sweet time getting prenatal care. Maybe I was lazy but I think it was more that I wanted to have a midwife and I knew my insurance wouldn't cover one. Finally I had the midwife check me at 15ish weeks. She couldn't find a heart beat but didn't seem like it was that big a deal. But said I should get checked and use my insurance. A couple days later March 15th I was standing in the kitchen getting my husband's lunch ready for him to take to work and I started bleeding, a lot. We got friends to take the kids and rushed to the ER. Long story short I lost my little boy that day. He was 12 weeks old or there about. I gave birth to him but chose not to see him. I knew it would make it harder and I'd have that image in my head for the rest of my life. Later of course I wonder if it was a mistake but you can't take something like that back and I am now at peace over it.
We moved on and I was at peace with it more then I thought I would be. I know prayers from so many friends and family helped so much. A couple months later I was pregnant again. I got in the 3 periods they say you should have so we were happy. In August I had an ultrasound at 9 weeks. Everything looked normal. My daughter and I went to summer camp a couple days later. After doing a small amount of running I started bleeding but not cramping. I'm SO thankful the midwife I know was a nurse there. She couldn't do anything but having her there was so comforting. I sat for the rest of the day and after awhile the bleeding stopped. When I got home I had another ultrasound and the baby was once again okay. They said it was a subchorionic bleed. About a week after that the mid wife came to my house to reassure me and look for a heart beat. Once again she couldn't find one. By the time I had my appointment at 14 weeks the baby was once again gone. I was so sure the baby wouldn't die that I brought my kids to the appointment and they were there seeing the baby and there not being a heartbeat. Sam came over and put her hand on my shoulder because she knew something wasn't okay. My sweet girl. How sad I am that they had to be there for that.
This time I couldn't stand the thought of going through another "birth" so I wanted a D&C. The baby had died again at 12 weeks (something that of course freaks me out, why?) and since it was 14 weeks now I was trying to get an appointment as soon as possible. Nothing was soon where I live so I went to a bigger city. The night before it was to be done I started bleeding. I was SO scared of having to rush to the ER again, and in the middle of the night, with 2 little kids. I didn't sleep most of the night checking every hour and praying all night. I made it through the night, with Gods grace, and was able to have the D&C. Since they knock you out for a D&C now, it made it easier, as in.... I could almost pretend it didn't happen.... again. The two losses almost seem like one to me. Making me feel a little heartless but it is what it is.
After this loss I got to have some testing due to the 12 week thing. The tests were still out and it was almost 2 months later. I find out I'm pregnant again. TEST'S ARE STILL OUT! I am freaking out! This is not ok!

Take baby steps, Merry.... baby steps....