Shocked....again!!!

So yesterday I asked Betty (midwife) to come by and check for a heart beat. I couldn't find a baby sitter for the kids and I wanted to know if I could take them to my appointment today. Well I'm 11 weeks and there was a chance she wouldn't be able to find it. And she couldn't.... 
Normally it wouldn't be a big deal really but because of my past I was of course a little stressed after she left. Doug wasn't going to make the appointment (at 3:30) due to a training he was in, and couldn't get out of, but after this he talked to them and was able to get out at 2pm instead of the normal 4pm. And Samantha was so sure the baby was okay... so we decided, because it was so odd that all our friends had plans, that it was Gods will they go with us.
This morning I studied and meditated and came to a place of peace. I didn't want to have fear. I want to have hope. I want to have faith. After so many losses it's hard to hold on to those things.
I have a doppler I got last pregnancy. I didn't want to use it this pregnancy if I could help it. but I felt the need to check just one time before the appointment. And I found a heart beat!!! I was so happy and relieved. But I wasn't 100% sure. 
So get to the appointment and meet the midwife. We talk about my history. She examines me. And then does an internal ultrasound. I know Doug is nervous. 
And then.......

I know it's hard to tell with that picture but there are two there....
TWO!!!
Twins AGAIN!!!
I wasn't as shocked as she thought I should be. I had a feeling in the beginning but thought I was just projecting the last babies onto this pregnancy so I pushed it out of my mind. 
I fully blame Spencer. After the last babies he has been praying ALL THE TIME for... "twin, triplins, singleton, doesn't matter to us". LOL it was so cute but now I'm so thankful there wasn't triplins in there. LOL
Like I said, working hard on my faith and hope. My human nature doesn't want to be hurt again but that's not the right attitude. 
Something I read today in my studies....

I'm trying......

Trials and Blessings

So much has happened since I last posted. I'm still taking baby steps, that hasn't changed.

Since losing the babies I decided, after an incident involving pizza and an upset tummy, to go off gluten again.... for good. After much talk with friends and looking around on the internet I have come to truly believe gluten had a large hand in all my losses. My body doesn't show obvious signs, but enough I know it's hurting when I eat it.

I found out in late August Doug and I were going to have to take dad under our care. Right before this we got a wonderful anniversary trip in. First time getting away since Samantha being born. It was just overnight but it was wonderful. A trip to Newport.

When we got home it was back to reality. Dad came to live with us but I was blessed to find an assisted living place to take him for a free week. He ended up staying there for about a week and a half with me scrambling to figure out how to get him somewhere else and learning all about the level of care he needed (which was high) and how to do it all for him. I was running over to west Salem every day and all over town. Most days I wasn't eating for half the day. Since going gluten free it's not easy to just stop and get something to eat. I wasn't good at planning and figuring out what snacks to bring with me, shopping was even hard at this point. :P In one week I lost almost 10 pounds. Stress loss...but doesn't last.... LOL
When dad's time was up at this place I had no choice but to take him home with me. I took him home Thursday and by Friday I was taking him to the ER. He was getting weak quickly and coughing. He was in the hospital for a week. Turns out he had congestive heart failure. They got him fixed up as much as possible and handed him over to me again. This whole time I was stressing out and trying to find him somewhere to live. I knew it was too much work to have him with us. Now don't get me wrong... I love my dad and if it was just me I could do it, but it was taking SO much time away from the kids and Doug. The school year had just started, we virtual school and started behind due to the past losses and a busy summer where I couldn't seem to find the time to catch up. So we also started the NEW school year falling behind too because it was so hard handling all this and doing enough school every day.
Every day seemed to have blessings but also set backs. So many ups and downs.
I was trying so hard to show him the respect he needed and deserved but it was so hard having this man in my house that wasn't like my father anymore and didn't really want my help. As much as I wanted to serve him it is very draining to take care of a loved one when they are annoyed and bothered by the care and concern you're trying to show them.
This was such a humbling experience and harder even than moms death, believe it or not. I never thought that would be the case. Mentally and physically exhausting. I surely was taking baby steps to get me through each day. I had to take each day as it came. Some days brought promises of answers and some days were complete losses and completely crushing.

Everything came together on the last possible day before the Feast of Tabernacles. Everyone said we would go but I knew it was possible we wouldn't. I also knew God's hand was with us and He loves us and however it worked it would be for our good. But the last possible day? Really? LOL 
Medicaid kicked in and I found a place all on Friday. We had to leave Sunday. Wow....
Feast wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. Having to go go go all month and rushing to Feast made me (and probably the whole family) go into it pretty mentally exhausted...and maybe a little physically too. But it was such a blessing and a joy to just be there at all. :)

So the point of starting to post again... Life is crazy....
In the middle of this whole thing with dad. I found out.... we're expecting again!!!! :) (9 weeks today)
How crazy! To add to all the craziness I was going through!!! Guessing I was Ov'ing too close to our anniversary get away... and ooops.... LOL  Was not planning this. We were natural family planning. When you do it that way we all know God is in charge, which is exactly the way I wanted it.
I am completely (at least as completely as a flawed human can be) at peace over this pregnancy. If this baby dies I well be so sad but this baby isn't mine. It is Gods creation and if anyone can protect this little one it's Him. I'm hopeful being gluten free is the answer. I feel wonderful and my blood pressure is better, I'm not so tired all the time, and there are small things I can feel in my body that just feel better.
 I could go on and on and I'm sure I well on this blog. It's so hard to get all my thoughts into words. But I'll try, I think it's too important, the insight I've gotten and the faith that has been built is AMAZING and all I want to do is share! LOL
God is amazing and only wants the best for us. When we're in pain, in a trial, it's so hard to see that but we have to take the good from the pain of a trial and grow from it. Sometimes we have to wait for the trial to be over to see the lessons from it. But whatever you do don't let bitterness and pain grow and fester in you. That is only of Satan and won't help you or anyone around you long term. This life is fleeting and we have to hold on to every possible lesson He might have in store for us. Every growth opportunity given to us.... and sometimes they are so hard. My life has had a lot of downs lately but I feel so up right now (how is that even possible?). Mainly because I have opened my mind and my heart to learn from this stuff that has been happening. I well never throw up my hands and give up (and believe me there were days when I was tempted). I well continue to lay my burdens at His feet.
 Patience is a HUGE lesson. I have been trying to grow in this one. It's hard, but everything in His time. As someone said 'He is seldom early but never late'. 
I am reminded of Sarah and Rachel lately too. They tried to write their own stories, when God was "late" in their opinions, and look at the messes they made. I don't want to write my story. I want God to write my story. I feel safer in His hands than my own.

I don't know where the road well lead this time but I'm excited to learn and grow from it, whatever the end of my story is. 
                                           

 Where He leads, I'll follow....

HE is the potter, we are the clay

(Let me start by saying I had my post-op and my OB said he wasn't surprised I lost (sad of course) because twin pregnancy's are so high risk, more so then people realize. But once again, bottom line, no way of knowing why it happened.)

What a roller coaster ride this has all been for me. So much growth. So much to meditate, think and pray on.
As you can see from my previous posts, I was lost. I didn't know what to think. I was afraid of the Passover season and taking it in the wrong frame of mind. But God walks with me through everything. I'll be honest, I didn't feel that for a short time after this loss. But so much insight, so much knowledge poured in on me. I have no fear anymore. I cried because I felt a lone and unloved by Him and because I thought this meant this dream was all over for me. But I know now this life is a journey and we have to take the good and bad moments that it gives us and work with what we're given. Trying to grow with each thing. I have no fear anymore because I put this all into His hands.
I tried so hard to control this last pregnancy. But you can't control things like this. Not even the doctors can.
"We just don't know"...
Oh how many how many times I heard that. My OB told me at my post-op "we're just watching until about 25 weeks, there's nothing we can do up until that point". And that got me thinking... Wow... Humans think they have it all figured out, but there are some things that God says "NO! You can not touch this". We are HIS creation. There are some things we can't touch.
Isa. 64:8 But now, O LORD, thou art our Father; we are the clay, and Thou our potter; and we all are the work of Thy hand.
Who are we to try and control His work?!

I am still a believer that we take what God gives us. God well not give me more then I can take. I trust that completely. If I said right now I'm done and we're not having anymore kids, a lot of people would understand, even agree. But I would be making that decision based on MY knowledge and not HIS. Who am I to know? God wants only good for me. I know my babies aren't in pain. If I walk this earth in anger over losing them I hurt myself and those around me only, doesn't bring them back. There is no lesson and growth in that. I believe that's where His mercy and love lay in this. The growth, understanding and lessons in letting go of my need to control has been amazing.
I'm going to give my body time to rest and heal, more time then any of the times before. But after that I'm putting it all into His hands. If I never get pregnant again... His will. If I get pregnant and lose the baby... His will (and I'll look forward to new lessons that come with it). And if I get pregnant and have a healthy baby, once again...His will...
I know now that He's walking along beside me and isn't going to let me fall. Each trial is a moment in time and how we handle the trial is the real test, not the trial itself. Trials come and go, but our frame of mind shapes who we are. I want my frame of mind to be "God centered" and we're working on that in this house. I'm putting my house in order (or trying to) and I'm putting the rest of it into His hands. I trust His hands.
I may have ups and downs but I know even when I'm at my lowest and everyone is trying to lift me up, and I'm tired of having people watch me fall, I'll be okay. I'll be better then okay.... I'll be growing... maybe it'll be small baby steps. But I'm okay with that..... :)

Gone too soon...

A good song for pregnancy loss. Not a lot out there.

Names

Thanks to my sister I have a name for all my babies. She wrote me a wonderful card and is a wonderful sister. Don't know what I'd do without her.
I felt bad not naming my other two but I didn't know if they were a boy or a girl and I'm already horrible with names.
First I lost Charles Avery March 15th 2011
Then Babie Beloved Sept 12th 2011
Baby Cherished date unknown but sometime in Jan? 2012
And Andrew Avery March 13th 2012
"I want you all to know you were all loved very much and very much wanted. Every single one of you. None more then another. My empty arms ache to hold each and every one of you and I look forward to the day I get to. I'm sorry mommy couldn't protect you and keep you safe. You'll all be in my thoughts until the day I see you."

I'm feeling the anger today. Sad thing about grief is that these things tend to be taken out on the ones around you so I've locked myself in the bedroom or I'll just regret not doing it.
I wanted to be productive today. I've been feeling a strong need to do more around here since it's happened but after being up most of the night with a sick kid I need a nap. My emotions are too much right now... sooo tired....

Lost again.......

Feeling so raw right now. I probably shouldn't even be writing right now as I'm sure my feelings well change.

Said goodbye to Andrew Avery Stewart Tuesday. He was really gone at 16 weeks, shortly after my last ultrasound. Today is the day I lost Charles, my first loss. I guess everything has come full circle. All the losses came before the Holy Days. How am I going to be able to prepare for Passover now? I feel so lost. Does God even love me? I know He does of course but right now it's hard to see through the tears. After the first loss I told myself the loss was small, others have been through so much worse, second loss same thing.... this one is harder. It looked like it was Gods will it was going to happen and He'd give me this one. Everything lined up for it to be so. I started feeling dread a couple weeks ago. Probably around the time he died. I was feeling great before that. I knew in my heart but my head wasn't willing to see. Until the day before. I was so nervous for the next day. I even closed my eyes at the beginning of the ultrasound. I finally asked if the baby was okay and she said "no, I don't think so". I knew it...

I know others have gone through so much more. I know I'll recover. I guess I just don't understand why God didn't give me this one. Children are a blessing. I know I have two wonderful ones and I'll put all my heart into them... I just wanted more wonderful blessings in my life. I won't write more. I need to be pouring my heart out to God and not a blog but I needed to say a little. Like I said I'm sure I'll be strong tomorrow or the day after but right now I'm weak. I feel Satan at my door.... trying to bring me down. Tired... so tired again...

Feeling like a normal pregnant person

Monday February 20th we had a ton of good new. 1) My blood pressure was awesome. 2) We're having a baby boy!!!! and 3) NO MORE CLOT OR BLOOD!!! I'm so happy and relieved. I finally feel like a normal pregnant person! I'm so grateful to God to be in this place. I can't wait to meet this baby. I've had so many emotions through all this and to be here is amazing. I felt a little crazy for awhile. I'm sure part of it was coming off the twin hormones but living in fear of the unknown is a very hard thing to go through. I still don't like the unknown of not being able to see the baby in there but that's something I went through with ALL my pregnancy's even my first two kids. I LOVE being pregnant but also feel so much relief once they're out. :)
I'm only 17 weeks and am feeling the aches and pains already. I think it's my age. The other day one of my butt cheeks and upper leg was numb from sitting on the floor. Took awhile to go away too. **sigh** I'm so thankful for these aches and pains just wondering what I have in store for me as I get bigger and down the road. :P

Here's a profile of my little man... isn't he handsome? ;)

From Chaos to Peace

So I haven't blogged in awhile. Forever in pregnancy world. :P Almost 2 weeks.
The last two weeks have been pretty good actually. All spotting has stopped and I feel so much more at peace. I also don't feel like my body is about to fall apart on me. I'm sure that it was mostly mental but a lot has been going on inside there these last couple months. I've also stopped having my panic attacks at night (thanks for the prayers on that). I still wake up all night but mostly for peeing, and sometimes probably from a dream, but for the most part I don't feel a weight and dread at night I use to have.
I really think I figured out what happened in the last pregnancy's and this one. I believe I have an area in my uterus that has scar tissue or a "bad spot" on it and it's where the babies like to implant. I've also heard that babies tend to find the same spot in there each pregnancy. So because there were twins this time the baby still with us couldn't implant on that spot therefore saving it's life. I know God had a hand in this and it's His way of giving me the baby I have wanted but it's still hard to give up the baby we lost. It's hard to give them all up. But I'm grateful for the baby I have now and I TRULY believe I well get to see this one join our family this time.
I still have my moments of fear and "what if's" but I'm working hard at keeping them away.
I am kinda shocked and surprised at how much my mind and mood has changed in just a few days. There's peace here right now when before it felt like such chaos in my head. I'm thankful for now and just pray it continues.

Letting go of the dream

So the whole week after I found out I had lost one of the twins was rough. When I grieve I tend to check out and not take care of myself. I can't do that this time because I still have a sweet baby depending on me NOT to do that. I did however have a hard time letting go of the dream of two. I so wanted to watch them grow up together, see the special bond between them, always having each other.... BUT I also know how hard it would have been on my body to carry two. After years of high blood pressure and that taking a toll on me. I'm battling it right now and it goes UP later in pregnancy. I know everything happens for a good reason and God works all things out for good. It's just hard as a mom to let go of another one and another "dream" of what it would be like.
As my week went on my feelings of dread changed to hope and... dare I say it... a little excitement over this all working out and coming true. That seems to be the story of my life right now...up and down...up and down... I hope this up continues.
Today I had an appointment. I am 14 weeks and I got to hear the heartbeat. I'm so thankful to God to be this far along. Each day is a blessing. I really look forward to the 20th when I get to see the baby again and hopefully see that the clot it gone or shrinking at least.
Also thank you all so much for your kind words and prayers. It really does mean a TON to me and that's why I share so much with you all. Knowing so many are lifting me up in prayer is SO comforting and SO helpful right now. I do have something specific I'd like prayers for though. When life gets stressful (like now) I have panic attacks at night. I just get startled awake at night thinking something is wrong. Makes sleeping not very restful as I can have 3 or more a night. So prayers for peaceful, restful sleep right now would be so nice. :) Thanks all!!!

Bittersweet

Today we had our appointment with the high risk Dr and another ultra sound. We started with the ultra sound. One baby looking great at 12 weeks 5 days and the other passed away at around 10 weeks. I have a clot in there about 7cm and it's under the baby that died so it's looking like it might be coming from that baby. I'm SO sad but hopeful baby that's still here is going to be okay. We kind of feel baby B (the one that passed away) was protecting baby A (the one still here) from the damaged area in my womb. I took the news well at the time but tonight I'm having a harder time. I'm strong. But I'm tired. I still have hope. But I'm tired. I am going to pray for more strength. I need it. I'm tired.

More then ever I need to take baby steps to get through this and move on....
Baby steps Merry.... baby steps.

It'll be okay....

Mountain Moving Faith

Mark 11:12-14, 20-24

Heard it in a sermon, and it hit me in the gut. I've been lacking so much faith through this thing. Only thinking of what has happened in the past and wondering what's to stop it from happening a third time. Guess what?.... God is what's going to stop it from happening a third time. Only question is do I have enough faith to move this mountain.
So much doubt and fear creeping in my mind every day, and I know who loves doubt and fear. I feel like I'm battling him every single day. Some days are better then others. I'm trying to have more good days then bad, but it's hard. And having twins in there I think it actually making it harder. "Are they both okay? Is one okay and not the other?" I know it's hard for Doug to hear my doubt but he doesn't have them in him 24/7 and wonder what every gas pain and tightening is. He's been doing so great though but I can see the stress of all this getting to him too, along with all life's other stresses that are always here too. I've been bleeding brown blood all week. Not a ton and the fact that it is brown is the only thing keeping me sane. Old blood. I keep repeating in my head "God has healed the wound and is pushing out all the bad, old blood from the past" I know it's a way for the doubt to keep turning up every day but I just keep thinking "it's okay, we're going to get there".
Appointment on Friday. Nervous but keeping the faith. Praying that God can help me turn my faith so I'm not just saying it over and over in my head but feeling it in my heart too.

Taking baby steps through this week. Focusing on family.

Here we go

So I've almost hit 10 weeks. Should I make time speed up or slow down? I'm a nervous wreck.

I guess I need to do an update. The day I went to the ER I had a subchorionic bleed. Not anything with the placenta like the ER Dr said. I had this with my last pregnancy around 9 weeks too. The baby was fine after I had it just like this time. This time though I put myself on bed rest. I've read SO much on subchorionic bleeds it's crazy. It can either go away or become a problem. Of course I'm hoping and praying it goes away. I started freaking out after my appointment Friday (which went fine fyi) because I realized I should have taken the progesterone like the geneticist told me I should. It may help with the development of the placenta and I don't remember being told that even though Doug told me I was told that. :/ (PG brain) My Dr and I talked about it at week 5 and we decided not to do it, wish I would have. The babies have died around the time the placenta takes over so I was of course wondering if it has to do with the placenta. So I called first thing this morning and was like " I WANT IT!" In a nice way of course. :-P I want to know I did all I could. I of course had to leave a message and was SHOCKED when my DOCTOR called me back, it's always a nurse. LOL Needless to say I'm going out today to get me some progesterone. I'm so excited... I just hope it's not too late to take it.... 2 weeks... 2 short weeks. I am going to go to a high risk Dr too. Just waiting for the call for an appointment.

I'm trying to stay upbeat but so many thoughts go through your head when your laying in bed trying to sleep. If they start to get dark I try and imagine holding my TWO babies right after they're born. God please let that be my future.

Life is full of ups and downs

So I left off being in shock over the twins. I have to get caught up or I'll be playing catch up forever.
12/15/11 So I'm in shock. I can't wait to tell Doug. So many feelings running through my mind. Some good, some bad. But more then anything...shocked... as I'm driving to Doug's work I just keep bursting out laughing. I can't believe it.... I call him to tell him I think he should just get off, it's half and hour till he's off anyway and I can't imagine him going back after I tell him, plus like I said, he works for the state... no big deal. LOL When I was talking to him on the phone I tried to stay calm but he asked me if I was laughing... then he asked if I was crying... I just said, "just get off, okay?"
He comes down with the kids and I get out of the car and show him the picture. I don't know if he gets it, to be honest I can't even remember, but I know I say..."twins" and he says "twins?! Really?!". Now we're both in shock. LOL This is also the time the kids find out I'm pregnant too. So big surprises all around.
12/17/11 That Saturday I decide to tell people at church. I was going to keep it quiet for awhile but I now felt I needed the prayers more then ever. It's hard because I don't want to feel like the person always asking for prayers but I don't think I've ever felt I needed them more then now. I've lost two babies but the thought of losing two at once and knowing something is probably wrong with MY body to cause it to happen has been the scariest thing I've ever gone through.
12/23/11 The next week is North West Weekend. I share with more people and everyone is so excited for me. I start to feel like, "what if I let everyone down? and telling them is for nothing". So many bad thoughts can run through a persons mind that has been through a loss. Something I would have NEVER known unless I had gone through it too. Not saying I'm happy I went through it but at least I've learned from the pain of it all. Isn't that what life is? Learning from the blessings and the tears.
Saturday night after two busy days I started spotting. I freaked out. I started shaking. I know spotting is something that can happen but it was a little more then I wanted to see. I pray so hard that night. By morning it is turning brown. The magic color if you've ever been through spotting. LOL So when I get home I call the advice nurse, but knowing that it has stopped, I knew there wasn't much they could say. I just wanted them to know it happened more then anything.
For the next week I am filled with dread and in a huge funk. It's so hard not knowing what's going on in there... it really is.
12/30/11 The Friday night after that I bled a little again. I decide to stay home from church on Saturday even though it has stopped again. Just to take it easy, plus I had a cough. I started feeling a little more up towards the end of the weekend. Doug was off on Monday because of new years so we were watching the Rose Bowl on the computer when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, I gush blood. I'm laying on my side, no warning, no cramping. I go in the bathroom. The gush looked a little watered down but I start to have bright red blood. I tell him... "I want to go to the ER." I know if I'm having a miscarriage there is nothing that can be done but at that point I just NEEDED to know what was going on. The not knowing was killing me. Took the kids to our friends, head to the ER. Whole way there I'm thinking it's over again. I feel the anger and hopelessness rising but I never stop praying. Hope I never have to feel that way again. Doug gets me a wheelchair when we get there because I'm afraid of gushing if I walk. I remember my last trip to the ER and how much blood I was losing. When I'm talking to the nurse at the window I feel another gush. There are a lot of people there but I get taken back right away. They take my vitals then I wait for a room. They take me back to a room. When the Dr comes (everything is done so slow in the ER which I find weird since it's the ER) he gets the small ultra sound machine. Looks and sees the first baby and see's a heartbeat (he thinks) but has a hard time seeing baby B because it's back is to us. So he orders a bigger ultra sound for us. I get some other things done but like I said, everything is like an hour until the next thing is done. At the big ultra sound she finds both their heartbeats and they are around 150 and 160. So I was soooo happy. Didn't really think that's what I'd hear. After he checked my cervix, which was closed we go home. He couldn't say why the bleeding but he thought maybe the placenta over the cervix. The next day when I talk to a advice nurse she said it sounds more like a subchorionic bleed and after having one of those in my last pregnancy and reading about it online I'm leaning towards thinking that too. I have my regular appointment Friday so I'll try and get more answers then. I might even try to get another ultra sound since they didn't see anything on the ER visit but I don't know if she was looking for it. So that was Monday, this is Wednesday, I'm still bleeding and trying to stay in bed most of the time. Subchorionic bleeds can heal so I'm GOING to take it easy.
So we're up to date. Didn't think I'd do that tonight. So many emotions I go through each day and week. But I'm trying to learn to take baby steps for each day. It's very hard for me. I like to storm ahead. Sometimes you can't though and you have to take each day as it comes...