Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Shocked....again!!!

So yesterday I asked Betty (midwife) to come by and check for a heart beat. I couldn't find a baby sitter for the kids and I wanted to know if I could take them to my appointment today. Well I'm 11 weeks and there was a chance she wouldn't be able to find it. And she couldn't.... 
Normally it wouldn't be a big deal really but because of my past I was of course a little stressed after she left. Doug wasn't going to make the appointment (at 3:30) due to a training he was in, and couldn't get out of, but after this he talked to them and was able to get out at 2pm instead of the normal 4pm. And Samantha was so sure the baby was okay... so we decided, because it was so odd that all our friends had plans, that it was Gods will they go with us.
This morning I studied and meditated and came to a place of peace. I didn't want to have fear. I want to have hope. I want to have faith. After so many losses it's hard to hold on to those things.
I have a doppler I got last pregnancy. I didn't want to use it this pregnancy if I could help it. but I felt the need to check just one time before the appointment. And I found a heart beat!!! I was so happy and relieved. But I wasn't 100% sure. 
So get to the appointment and meet the midwife. We talk about my history. She examines me. And then does an internal ultrasound. I know Doug is nervous. 
And then.......






I know it's hard to tell with that picture but there are two there....
TWO!!!
Twins AGAIN!!!
I wasn't as shocked as she thought I should be. I had a feeling in the beginning but thought I was just projecting the last babies onto this pregnancy so I pushed it out of my mind. 
I fully blame Spencer. After the last babies he has been praying ALL THE TIME for... "twin, triplins, singleton, doesn't matter to us". LOL it was so cute but now I'm so thankful there wasn't triplins in there. LOL
Like I said, working hard on my faith and hope. My human nature doesn't want to be hurt again but that's not the right attitude. 
Something I read today in my studies....


I'm trying......

Monday, October 15, 2012

Trials and Blessings

So much has happened since I last posted. I'm still taking baby steps, that hasn't changed.

Since losing the babies I decided, after an incident involving pizza and an upset tummy, to go off gluten again.... for good. After much talk with friends and looking around on the internet I have come to truly believe gluten had a large hand in all my losses. My body doesn't show obvious signs, but enough I know it's hurting when I eat it.


I found out in late August Doug and I were going to have to take dad under our care. Right before this we got a wonderful anniversary trip in. First time getting away since Samantha being born. It was just overnight but it was wonderful. A trip to Newport.


When we got home it was back to reality. Dad came to live with us but I was blessed to find an assisted living place to take him for a free week. He ended up staying there for about a week and a half with me scrambling to figure out how to get him somewhere else and learning all about the level of care he needed (which was high) and how to do it all for him. I was running over to west Salem every day and all over town. Most days I wasn't eating for half the day. Since going gluten free it's not easy to just stop and get something to eat. I wasn't good at planning and figuring out what snacks to bring with me, shopping was even hard at this point. :P In one week I lost almost 10 pounds. Stress loss...but doesn't last.... LOL

When dad's time was up at this place I had no choice but to take him home with me. I took him home Thursday and by Friday I was taking him to the ER. He was getting weak quickly and coughing. He was in the hospital for a week. Turns out he had congestive heart failure. They got him fixed up as much as possible and handed him over to me again. This whole time I was stressing out and trying to find him somewhere to live. I knew it was too much work to have him with us. Now don't get me wrong... I love my dad and if it was just me I could do it, but it was taking SO much time away from the kids and Doug. The school year had just started, we virtual school and started behind due to the past losses and a busy summer where I couldn't seem to find the time to catch up. So we also started the NEW school year falling behind too because it was so hard handling all this and doing enough school every day.
Every day seemed to have blessings but also set backs. So many ups and downs.
I was trying so hard to show him the respect he needed and deserved but it was so hard having this man in my house that wasn't like my father anymore and didn't really want my help. As much as I wanted to serve him it is very draining to take care of a loved one when they are annoyed and bothered by the care and concern you're trying to show them.
This was such a humbling experience and harder even than moms death, believe it or not. I never thought that would be the case. Mentally and physically exhausting. I surely was taking baby steps to get me through each day. I had to take each day as it came. Some days brought promises of answers and some days were complete losses and completely crushing.

Everything came together on the last possible day before the Feast of Tabernacles. Everyone said we would go but I knew it was possible we wouldn't. I also knew God's hand was with us and He loves us and however it worked it would be for our good. But the last possible day? Really? LOL 

Medicaid kicked in and I found a place all on Friday. We had to leave Sunday. Wow....
Feast wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. Having to go go go all month and rushing to Feast made me (and probably the whole family) go into it pretty mentally exhausted...and maybe a little physically too. But it was such a blessing and a joy to just be there at all. :)

So the point of starting to post again... Life is crazy....

In the middle of this whole thing with dad. I found out.... we're expecting again!!!! :) (9 weeks today)
How crazy! To add to all the craziness I was going through!!! Guessing I was Ov'ing too close to our anniversary get away... and ooops.... LOL  Was not planning this. We were natural family planning. When you do it that way we all know God is in charge, which is exactly the way I wanted it.
I am completely (at least as completely as a flawed human can be) at peace over this pregnancy. If this baby dies I well be so sad but this baby isn't mine. It is Gods creation and if anyone can protect this little one it's Him. I'm hopeful being gluten free is the answer. I feel wonderful and my blood pressure is better, I'm not so tired all the time, and there are small things I can feel in my body that just feel better.
 I could go on and on and I'm sure I well on this blog. It's so hard to get all my thoughts into words. But I'll try, I think it's too important, the insight I've gotten and the faith that has been built is AMAZING and all I want to do is share! LOL
God is amazing and only wants the best for us. When we're in pain, in a trial, it's so hard to see that but we have to take the good from the pain of a trial and grow from it. Sometimes we have to wait for the trial to be over to see the lessons from it. But whatever you do don't let bitterness and pain grow and fester in you. That is only of Satan and won't help you or anyone around you long term. This life is fleeting and we have to hold on to every possible lesson He might have in store for us. Every growth opportunity given to us.... and sometimes they are so hard. My life has had a lot of downs lately but I feel so up right now (how is that even possible?). Mainly because I have opened my mind and my heart to learn from this stuff that has been happening. I well never throw up my hands and give up (and believe me there were days when I was tempted). I well continue to lay my burdens at His feet.
 Patience is a HUGE lesson. I have been trying to grow in this one. It's hard, but everything in His time. As someone said 'He is seldom early but never late'. 
I am reminded of Sarah and Rachel lately too. They tried to write their own stories, when God was "late" in their opinions, and look at the messes they made. I don't want to write my story. I want God to write my story. I feel safer in His hands than my own.

I don't know where the road well lead this time but I'm excited to learn and grow from it, whatever the end of my story is. 
                                           
 Where He leads, I'll follow....