Been way too long.
After my last post I went in for a 18 week appointment and at this appointment we found out baby A didn't have a heart beat anymore. He/she was measuring 15 weeks 5 days. Of course all the "what could I have done differently?" start popping into your mind. But baby B looked good. I had lost the twin dream again. I was very thankful for the little guy I had with me, yes it was another little boy, but I grieved even as I rejoiced. It's a hard place for your mind to be in. I was just pushing it away every time I felt the sadness and anger coming at me. I couldn't feel that way. I had a wonderful little life in my body. I had to give him all the love I had in me, right then, in that moment. I am only human and for all my big words, when you're in the mist of your pain and trial, all you can do is try and keep your head above the water. And praying you come out of it a better person and that your thoughts during it hadn't turned too dark for too long.
When they did the ultrasound a day or two after I found out about baby A she asked me if I wanted to know the sex of the surviving twin. Now I've been to enough ultrasounds to know what I was looking at on the screen, and when she asked I said "it's a boy, right?" "do you want to know?" I knew it was a boy but of course say "yes" and she informs me it's a boy. LOL I know what a penis looks like, even on ultrasound. ;)
I had a name pop into my head. It was a name we had talked about in the past and vetoed. I don't know why it popped into my head. I decided to go home and look up the name. I had only shared the name with a few people during the pregnancy. More at the end. I was so afraid I wasn't in fact being shown by God he'd be ok. But now that he is here I know God was speaking to me. Simon. Meaning He has heard or He hears. In my heart I believe God was letting me know that all the prayers over the past 2 years were going to be answered.
I'd like to say after that it was smooth sailing for me for the rest of the pregnancy but I have to say it wasn't. Physically it was my best pregnancy. I felt great. Mentally I was struggling. I was trying so hard to have faith. But so many lost babies made it hard. Didn't help that he ended up being late. :P
I had 2 due dates. One was May 15th and one was the 20th. He decided to come one the 26th. I was so afraid, so anxious. I just wanted him out. I just wanted him safe.
After I lost the other twin I decided to go with JUST Betty and try for a home birth. I am sooo thankful I did. It was an amazing birth and I know if I was in a hospital it would have gone so much more differently. In a bad way. My labor kept stopping and going. His heartbeat was fine the whole time so my wonderfully experienced midwife wasn't stressed about it. If I was in a hospital I know they'd be putting me on pitocin. When my water finally broke I closed to a 6 but his head wanted to come out. She got me to a 10 as fast as she could. She was amazing and I can't thank her enough for taking me on when I was so "high risk" and no other midwife would have. But this is why I know God was with me through it all. It wasn't easy but He was there.
Now I look at my beautiful son and thank God for him every single day. I wish I could have 10 more of him. This has taught me trust in God. Trust in myself. Knowing that these babies aren't mine but are His. He wills whether I get them or not.
Thank you God for letting me take care of this little boy.
Thank you for blessing me with him and the two other children I always took for granted and never really saw them for the miracles that they are.
Thank you God for letting me see Your hands in my life in such an obvious way.
Thank you Lord for taking me over my mountain. My Everest.
I miss my babies every day. I always will....
But through His grace I have enough.
I can't stop marveling at his hands,
his beautiful eyes...
Thank you God for this journey.
And by helping me get through it all....
With baby steps.