Said goodbye to Andrew Avery Stewart Tuesday. He was really gone at 16 weeks, shortly after my last ultrasound. Today is the day I lost Charles, my first loss. I guess everything has come full circle. All the losses came before the Holy Days. How am I going to be able to prepare for Passover now? I feel so lost. Does God even love me? I know He does of course but right now it's hard to see through the tears. After the first loss I told myself the loss was small, others have been through so much worse, second loss same thing.... this one is harder. It looked like it was Gods will it was going to happen and He'd give me this one. Everything lined up for it to be so. I started feeling dread a couple weeks ago. Probably around the time he died. I was feeling great before that. I knew in my heart but my head wasn't willing to see. Until the day before. I was so nervous for the next day. I even closed my eyes at the beginning of the ultrasound. I finally asked if the baby was okay and she said "no, I don't think so". I knew it...
I know others have gone through so much more. I know I'll recover. I guess I just don't understand why God didn't give me this one. Children are a blessing. I know I have two wonderful ones and I'll put all my heart into them... I just wanted more wonderful blessings in my life. I won't write more. I need to be pouring my heart out to God and not a blog but I needed to say a little. Like I said I'm sure I'll be strong tomorrow or the day after but right now I'm weak. I feel Satan at my door.... trying to bring me down. Tired... so tired again...
2 comments:
Merry - God loves you! So do I.
I'm sooo sorry Merry! I know these words probably mean nothing right now but everything satan means for harm, God uses for good....to His glory! I can't explain why these things happen...I wish I had the answers. I know it pales in comparison but I realized a couple weeks ago that I never truly faced the grief of losing my dad. All those years ago. I had to suppress my grief to be strong for my mom and I'm just now facing that grief. Back then, I didn't know what God was doing. Or why. I was angry...so angry but now, I can see that had I not gone through that, I wouldn't be able to be there for those who go through it after me and right now, someone very dear to my heart is going through the exact same thing. When no one else know what to say or do, I know that all she needs is someone to be there....no words are needed. Just a strong support. One day, when you see the sun through the sadness, it may be your turn to be there for someone too. Hugs! Many prayers and lots of love going out to you!!
Mary
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