Gone too soon...

A good song for pregnancy loss. Not a lot out there.

Names

Thanks to my sister I have a name for all my babies. She wrote me a wonderful card and is a wonderful sister. Don't know what I'd do without her.
I felt bad not naming my other two but I didn't know if they were a boy or a girl and I'm already horrible with names.
First I lost Charles Avery March 15th 2011
Then Babie Beloved Sept 12th 2011
Baby Cherished date unknown but sometime in Jan? 2012
And Andrew Avery March 13th 2012
"I want you all to know you were all loved very much and very much wanted. Every single one of you. None more then another. My empty arms ache to hold each and every one of you and I look forward to the day I get to. I'm sorry mommy couldn't protect you and keep you safe. You'll all be in my thoughts until the day I see you."

I'm feeling the anger today. Sad thing about grief is that these things tend to be taken out on the ones around you so I've locked myself in the bedroom or I'll just regret not doing it.
I wanted to be productive today. I've been feeling a strong need to do more around here since it's happened but after being up most of the night with a sick kid I need a nap. My emotions are too much right now... sooo tired....

Lost again.......

Feeling so raw right now. I probably shouldn't even be writing right now as I'm sure my feelings well change.

Said goodbye to Andrew Avery Stewart Tuesday. He was really gone at 16 weeks, shortly after my last ultrasound. Today is the day I lost Charles, my first loss. I guess everything has come full circle. All the losses came before the Holy Days. How am I going to be able to prepare for Passover now? I feel so lost. Does God even love me? I know He does of course but right now it's hard to see through the tears. After the first loss I told myself the loss was small, others have been through so much worse, second loss same thing.... this one is harder. It looked like it was Gods will it was going to happen and He'd give me this one. Everything lined up for it to be so. I started feeling dread a couple weeks ago. Probably around the time he died. I was feeling great before that. I knew in my heart but my head wasn't willing to see. Until the day before. I was so nervous for the next day. I even closed my eyes at the beginning of the ultrasound. I finally asked if the baby was okay and she said "no, I don't think so". I knew it...

I know others have gone through so much more. I know I'll recover. I guess I just don't understand why God didn't give me this one. Children are a blessing. I know I have two wonderful ones and I'll put all my heart into them... I just wanted more wonderful blessings in my life. I won't write more. I need to be pouring my heart out to God and not a blog but I needed to say a little. Like I said I'm sure I'll be strong tomorrow or the day after but right now I'm weak. I feel Satan at my door.... trying to bring me down. Tired... so tired again...