HE is the potter, we are the clay

(Let me start by saying I had my post-op and my OB said he wasn't surprised I lost (sad of course) because twin pregnancy's are so high risk, more so then people realize. But once again, bottom line, no way of knowing why it happened.)

What a roller coaster ride this has all been for me. So much growth. So much to meditate, think and pray on.
As you can see from my previous posts, I was lost. I didn't know what to think. I was afraid of the Passover season and taking it in the wrong frame of mind. But God walks with me through everything. I'll be honest, I didn't feel that for a short time after this loss. But so much insight, so much knowledge poured in on me. I have no fear anymore. I cried because I felt a lone and unloved by Him and because I thought this meant this dream was all over for me. But I know now this life is a journey and we have to take the good and bad moments that it gives us and work with what we're given. Trying to grow with each thing. I have no fear anymore because I put this all into His hands.
I tried so hard to control this last pregnancy. But you can't control things like this. Not even the doctors can.
"We just don't know"...
Oh how many how many times I heard that. My OB told me at my post-op "we're just watching until about 25 weeks, there's nothing we can do up until that point". And that got me thinking... Wow... Humans think they have it all figured out, but there are some things that God says "NO! You can not touch this". We are HIS creation. There are some things we can't touch.
Isa. 64:8 But now, O LORD, thou art our Father; we are the clay, and Thou our potter; and we all are the work of Thy hand.
Who are we to try and control His work?!

I am still a believer that we take what God gives us. God well not give me more then I can take. I trust that completely. If I said right now I'm done and we're not having anymore kids, a lot of people would understand, even agree. But I would be making that decision based on MY knowledge and not HIS. Who am I to know? God wants only good for me. I know my babies aren't in pain. If I walk this earth in anger over losing them I hurt myself and those around me only, doesn't bring them back. There is no lesson and growth in that. I believe that's where His mercy and love lay in this. The growth, understanding and lessons in letting go of my need to control has been amazing.
I'm going to give my body time to rest and heal, more time then any of the times before. But after that I'm putting it all into His hands. If I never get pregnant again... His will. If I get pregnant and lose the baby... His will (and I'll look forward to new lessons that come with it). And if I get pregnant and have a healthy baby, once again...His will...
I know now that He's walking along beside me and isn't going to let me fall. Each trial is a moment in time and how we handle the trial is the real test, not the trial itself. Trials come and go, but our frame of mind shapes who we are. I want my frame of mind to be "God centered" and we're working on that in this house. I'm putting my house in order (or trying to) and I'm putting the rest of it into His hands. I trust His hands.
I may have ups and downs but I know even when I'm at my lowest and everyone is trying to lift me up, and I'm tired of having people watch me fall, I'll be okay. I'll be better then okay.... I'll be growing... maybe it'll be small baby steps. But I'm okay with that..... :)