Letting go of the dream

So the whole week after I found out I had lost one of the twins was rough. When I grieve I tend to check out and not take care of myself. I can't do that this time because I still have a sweet baby depending on me NOT to do that. I did however have a hard time letting go of the dream of two. I so wanted to watch them grow up together, see the special bond between them, always having each other.... BUT I also know how hard it would have been on my body to carry two. After years of high blood pressure and that taking a toll on me. I'm battling it right now and it goes UP later in pregnancy. I know everything happens for a good reason and God works all things out for good. It's just hard as a mom to let go of another one and another "dream" of what it would be like.
As my week went on my feelings of dread changed to hope and... dare I say it... a little excitement over this all working out and coming true. That seems to be the story of my life right now...up and down...up and down... I hope this up continues.
Today I had an appointment. I am 14 weeks and I got to hear the heartbeat. I'm so thankful to God to be this far along. Each day is a blessing. I really look forward to the 20th when I get to see the baby again and hopefully see that the clot it gone or shrinking at least.
Also thank you all so much for your kind words and prayers. It really does mean a TON to me and that's why I share so much with you all. Knowing so many are lifting me up in prayer is SO comforting and SO helpful right now. I do have something specific I'd like prayers for though. When life gets stressful (like now) I have panic attacks at night. I just get startled awake at night thinking something is wrong. Makes sleeping not very restful as I can have 3 or more a night. So prayers for peaceful, restful sleep right now would be so nice. :) Thanks all!!!